The Cooing

6/18/24

The silence—a ceaseless chiseling. There’s a child screaming. I run to the window to look outside only to find the relentless tinkling of rain ricocheting off the top of metal cars. 

I come back inside. I hear it again. This time I run out the front door not caring that my favorite shoes are getting soaked through. There’s a child out there who needs my help. But he’s nowhere to be found. 

So I come back inside, sliding and sloshing in my own shoes as I leave 10 1/2 inch wet footsteps in my wake. 

As I start to dry off, I hear the desperation in the child’s voice, once again. This time, instead of looking out, I look within. 

I look in the oval mirror that’s hung in the hallway. And to my surprise, I see the boy who was well into a scream start to sob as he covers his turgid face with his two little hands. 

I had no idea he was still alive—the child within, feeling all my sins, sitting alone in the dark, wanting to be heard.

We speak candidly.

He tells me how much he misses me. I guess I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear that. So I tell him how proud I am of him and that he is safe now. My inner-child waves goodbye and disappears. 

Then, it’s just I with my hands on my face, sobbing like a child not because I’m sad but because I’m set free. 

To my surprise, the window opens and so does the front door. A rushing wind fills my home. Instead of screaming, I hear a whisper—a strange comforting sound not coming from within, but from without. 

As I try to highlight the perfect pitch to his voice, he speaks my name with profound familiarity. It’s the cooing of the Holy Spirit that one hears when one of his own shatters the screaming silence from within.

10/17/24

Ten years ago, my parents, Robert and Sheila, were killed in a car accident on Christmas Day. A head on collision with a drunk driver took them away from me. It turned out that both front airbags were defective. They were coming back from looking at Christmas lights. My seven-year-old daughter was in the back seat. She was not wearing her seatbelt. She was thrown from the wreckage. She died instantly.

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10/12/24

“You need me! Without me … you’re nothing! I keep you alive.” “Are you kiddin’ me? This isn’t living.” “How dare you interrupt me! You entitled, insecure, unappreciative little brat! I give you hope. I give you purpose. I give you meaning. If you leave me now, you’ll die. You’ll have nothing to get you…

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10/10/24

When you were young, before my siblings and I were born, before you kissed our father— elevating him from bachelor to prince— you made shadows of figure 8 patterns with your shoulders and head on the Nicaraguan dirt.   A pendulum swing of brown cascading pigtails and a homemade skirt that made all the rich…

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